Old Fire Mumblem

Episode 2: Clusterfuck Central 2015

Last time, on this!

We survived! But now, we must reoccur.

... That's the episode naming pattern, right?

Our dudes show up with a mercenary and archer, the cursor flashes on Eliwood and...


Oh god. Are we about to see a cutscene!?


Guys, get ready for the middle schooliest of dialogue.

Disclaimer: Retailer is not responsible for any brain aneurysms caused by poor grammar and spelling.

: Phew... We made it past the first Episode. What a relief...
: C'mon, it wasn't THAT bad, Eliwood. Nothin like a good work out.
: Don't celebrate yet, guys we have another chapter to conquer. I doubt this one will pull any punches.
: Hmm... you're right. But... damn. This shit is hard

All you fucking did last chapter was sit on a throne and gain free EXP, Eliwood.

: Stop being such a pansee, Eli mah boi.

Wh-whoa! Who handed Raven the happy pills?

: Hey guys. Me and Raven decided we wanted to do another adventure in FE7 so we're coming with you
: Oh! How convenient! Maybe this will make the mod much easier for us. We really need more troops

Wil is the last unit in FE7 that would make things easier.

: Hey, isn't this the part where we scroll over to the bad guys now?
: Oh fuck, you're right! Marc, please stop reading our pointless conversation and see what the baddies are doing. K? :)

No please. I want to hear more about how difficult this hack is.

The enemy reinforcements spawn and the cursor flashes on this female sage. Now who might she be...?

*GASP* It's Lyn's evil clone!! Back from the depths of my first hack, Super Hard Lyn Mode!

Naturally, seeing how she's a clone, one might find it difficult to tell who is who, but fear not viewer (AKA Bob)! I have the perfect solution to this problem!

: Zzzzzz.... ....Hmmm? Oh... I must've fallen asleep again Hey there Marc. how's it going?

Pretty well. Though, I'm wondering why the hell you were sleeping outside, in broad daylight, whilst standing up.

: You're probably wondering why another Lyn is in this mod. That's cause I'm Lyn's evil clone. Nice to meet you.



: Anyways, as you can see I'm heavily guarded just like every boss in a Fire Emblem game. Don't tell the others but... I'm gonna be holding back on them. Going full force on them this early in the mod would be way too much.

She ain't kidding. Her stats in Super Hard Lyn Mode were pretty disgusting.

: Besides, I only wish to test out their skills for Now. Um... so now what? ... Oh yeah! I gotta command my troops! Troops! I command you! Um... hurt... things!

And then the gameplay begins.

Map Size: 20x20
Goal: Defeat all enemies
Initial Enemy Count: 14

My main problem with "Defeat All" missions typically is that sometimes there are stray enemies chillin' out far off from anything of relevence, forcing you to go out of your way to whack 'em on the head, even when you have more or less won the map.

But I can assure you, this is not one of them. Oh no no no...

With the exception of Evil Lyn and her group of knights, every single enemy on this map rushes you. And you'd better believe that we'll be seeing reinforcements, and a lot of them.

So here's what we're gonna do... Ya see where I have my cursor? We wanna get Hector there. And soon. It'll make sense soon why. For now, let's look at this initial enemy set up.

You see, I actually think this set up is pretty interesting. With three fighters up north, you'd want to toss someone like Eliwood in their range and wipe them out, but that thief's AI is set to steal items. So long as his speed is equal to or higher than the target unit, he can take anything he wants so long as it's not a weapon or staff.

He has 9 speed... None of my units are faster than this guy. Lyn could have been, but I avoided training her, so my only way to prevent this guy from jackin' my shit is if I put someone in his range without any stealable items.

Gimme yer stuff, Eli.

Not like Wil's gonna be useful for anything else.

Oh, speaking of which... Let's look at the new losers.

Growth Rates:
MHP: 70%
STR: 50%
SKL: 50%
SPD: 40%
DEF: 20%
RES: 25%
LUK: 40%


Not only did I not buff his growths, but I nerfed his already pathetic bases! This was probably done because Wil was level 2 in the original game, but is level 1 here.

Even if you get a really good level up with Wil, you will still be one point of defense behind, because I reduced that by two!!

Just... what the fuck was I thinking!?

Growth Rates:
MHP: 85%
STR: 60 (+5%)
SKL: 40%
SPD: 55% (+10%)
DEF: 35% (+10%)
RES: 25% (+10)
LUK: 30% (-5%)

But perhaps the most brutal butchering of all goes to Raven. Compared to Hector Hard Mode Raven, his speed and strength were cut in half. Considering Eliwood gets about 7 free level ups in Episode 1, your Eliwood should already be superior in just about every concievable way unless you seriously pissed off the RNG goddess.

And if all of that wasn't damning enough, Raven gets one final smack in the face in Episode 4 that will ensure he won't get long term use, so you can forget about those buffed growths.

Even with all this said though, he's still better than Lyn, but I will be using him sparingly.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program!


Raven and Lyn are basically just gonna hang back. End turn.

Nino's so good now that... honestly, I'm considering having her stand in the front lines. She can one-round most units now.

May I adopt you!?

Eliwood's running pretty low on Light Brand. This is not gonna be a problem for long.

Since Eliwood no longer has any stealable items, the thief decides to attack, waking the beast with his pathetic butter knife.

Jesus. The "Wood" part of his name just doesn't do him justice anymore. He shall now be known as Elirock!

I forgot to mention this. The thief is holding a droppable elixir. If he steals even a single item from you, you cannot get it anymore. Instead, he'll just drop the item he stole, or whatever's on the bottom of his inventory list at the time.

Enemy phase ends and some cavaliers and pegasus riders show up.

Guys. I hope you're ready for...

This is a pretty bad habit throughout the entire hack. Instead of careful unit placement, I relied on using the same reinforcement events over and over again. And this chapter very painfully lets you know how annoying that can be.

The reinforcement pattern we just saw gets used from turn 2 to turn 5, making the max enemy count a whopping 30 enemy units!

And they all rush you!

Now where was I...? Oh right! Moving Hector to that one tree tile!

Actually, y'know what? I've changed my mind. Instead of Hector, I'm gonna place Elirock here. He's got better defenses, better hit rate, better everything. His Light Brand is gonna break soon, so I chain traded Raven's Steel Sword and Longsword to him. That should suffice. Nino's gonna assist.

2 Damage...


More enemies... 18 in total right now.

For the next few turns, I'm basically gonna just have Eliwood and Nino do everything until this flood of enemies decides to end.

1 damage!?

Oh my god, if only Nino got one more point of defense...!




W-wait, what is this!? Evil Lyn's talking to the enemy?

: Ah. Hello there. I see you've made it past my guards.


He is one of your guards!

: Great job, but now I'm afraid that you must make it past me now. Do you have what it takes?

That's some pretty threatening stuff to say...

...To a unit you're fucking healing!

Lemme explain what nonsense just transpired here. Boss quotes in FE7 are designed to trigger when the boss is on the battle screen, regardless of context. This could have easily been fixed if I had just set a "specified boss quote" between Evil Lyn and her minions, but I guess this issue either slipped past me somehow, or I just didn't care much. This was back in the days when I didn't take FE hacking particularly seriously.

Anyway, let's get back to making that animated gif...

I'm pretty happy that I got that Elixir now. Nino's low on HP.

Instead of attacking, the pegasus riders fly off and... God dammit.

Did I seriously give every single flier an elixir!?


And then the other enemies took up the remaining spaces, leaving none for the freshly spawned pegasus riders to attack Nino from!

... Anyway, in my normal, Hector-based strategy, I'd have the other units chip in and fight. Since Hector would be where Elirock is now, it'd force cavaliers to go around him, possibly Elirock, and through the trees in order to attack the others. This severely limits their ability to surround and overwhelm you.

Obviously, the pegasus riders don't care about terrain, but they're weak as shit anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Oh yeah, it's worth noting that Wil, whose bow is strong against fliers, can't even KO them.

And finally, without further ado...

Nino shows off her Boobs of Steel!

Despite everything, we've managed to consistently lower the enemy count each turn.

He's up to promotion level now~

Nino's basically unkillable now, but I might as well lower her chances of taking damage at all.

Jesus! Calm down, girl!

By the way, If I remember right, Nino's promotion gives her +3 defense.

How inconvenient. Now I need to move hector slightly to the left. So inconsiderate, game!

It's a shame Nino doesn't get a Fimbulvetr until near the end of the hack.

Dammit. Neither Eliwood nor Nino outright kill the fliers and horsemen, so they just drink an elixir, run to the fort, or let Evil Lyn heal them. I guess now's a good time for Elirock and Nino to end their hike in the woods.

Fuck you!!

Even while off the trees, Nino's boobs are just too powerful now. Nothing can stand in their way!


Alright, I can't keep this a secret anymore.

I gave cunnilingus to the RNG goddess before playing this episode.

There. I said it.


So yeah, Evil Lyn moves. Either to heal units, or when we're in her attack range.

This is kind of a problem since...

Her stats are kind of threatening. Nino lost her Fire tome back in the Great Horse Slaughter of turn 2 through 6, leaving her with the Elfire tome. With how heavy Elfire is, this girl can double her now!

Nino has 11 Res, so she can take Evil Lyn's 18 attack. Perhaps if I just park Nino on that fort and bait her out, then dogpile her with Eliwood and Nino... Hmm...


No. This is workable. I just need to take time killing the stupid god damn cavalier.

Luckily, since I had Elirock equipped with the steel sword, he didn't weaken the cavalier enough to make Evil Lyn wanna move again and heal the bloody bastard.

Death for you, my friend!

Oh right. I almost forgot. Lyn has a boss quote with Evil Lyn. I guess I'll spend a couple turns getting her up there... *sigh*

Lyn makes a guest appearance and Nino prepares to bait Evil Lyn out.

Evil Lyn's probably the hardest boss in this game. Her defenses are poor, but her HP is pretty high, and she has plenty of attack speed and deals enough damage to make dogpiling her kind of risky.

Even if Nino still had her Fire Tome, she wouldn't be able to double this chick!

Anyway... Whatcha got to say to Lyn?

: Ah, Lyn. We meet at last.
: What the!? Another me!?
: Yep. Quite a plot twist, Huh?

It's not really a plot twist. It's more like... an establishing moment. Evil Lyn's existence was arguably more of a plot twist in Super Hard Lyn Mode.

: But... That's impossible! How could there be another me!?
: Sigh... Are you even half aware that we're in a mod?
: ...Yes I am.
: Exactly. So wouldn't something like this make SENSE?
: ...

Normal Lyn is kinda dumb.

: Eh. Like it matters anyway. I doubt you are capable of surviving a single hit from my magical attacks.
: Erm. Marc. What was my Res stat again...?

It was zero, so you're not going to survi-

...ve... this................

: Nngh! Ow! Fuck! That really fucking hurts! Be gentle on my baby soft skin, will ya!


... And then she got everything but the stats she needed most.

You kill stealing, boring ass, fragile as fuck, unreliable-...

KNIGHTS. We have to kill the knights, then the chapter ends! But first... What's in those shops?

I had to fight some of the knights along the way, so Eliwood got a shitty level up. Poor Nino lost her Elfire though. Let's hope the shop has...

Okay, good... Let's sell Raven's blue gem for 5000G and snatch a couple tomes.

Lyn was so underleveled that the two level 8 knights she killed gave her 50 EXP each.

She continues to not want to be used.

Inside the Armory are the basic weapons, a heavy spear, a halberd, and...

An auto-win button.

Now you see why I wasn't worried about my Light Brand running out~

Along with the two Light Brands, I got two Fire tomes and a Thunder. Time to clean up the last Knight...

Nino already has enough iron in her diet, but she cooked herself a knight anyway.

And that ends the chapter. Hoo boy. What wonderous writing do I have in store for us this time?

: Sweet! We won!
: Fuck yeah! That Lyn didn't stand a chance!
: ...

Lyn for some reason doesn't approve even though they are clearly not referring to her.

: Um... actually...

Also, Evil Lyn's not actually dead.

: Aaaah! Eliwood! Behind you! It's a noob!
: Oh?
: Eeek! *Leaves*
: Haha. That's right. Run away like a wuss!
: Pssh! We'll let her live for now. Next time we meet though... I'm sticking my axe up her hot ass!

That sounds incredibly painful.

: Hector!
: Hey Eliwood. Wanna get stoned?

Wait. WHAT!?

: Would I? I'd love to!
: Yeah!
: Yeah!
: Yeah! *Leaves*
: Yeah! *Leaves*
: ...I hate them soooo much... *Leaves*
: w00t! We PWNed this chapter!


: We? You mean YOU guys. I sucked...

Not even the "YOU" statement is accurate here.

: Mnn... Not exactly proud of your stat growths, huh Wil?
: *sigh* Rebecca outclasses me by a longshot...

... Or by a LongBOW? Eh? Eeeh? ... Sorry.

: Eh... who knows? Maybe our stat growths changed in this mod
: Really!? Awesome!

He said "maybe" dude.

: Let's go get some booze to celebrate!


: Alright! Booze!


Well, I'm glad that's over.

Stay tuned for Episode 3, where we play an even worse chapter.


Goatee Lyn made by MageKnight404