Lair Of The Fooker Community Plays Fire Emblem 8 Randomized!

Chapter 9: Attack Of The Aesthetically Impaired!

Starring Markyjoe1990

Oog... I never realized how boring war was. After we took Renvall, we went over to Hayden's crib to talk strategy, watch old friends yap about those "fond memories" of theirs, and witness Innes in all of his cuntery brag about how awesome he is. I swear that shit went on for hours.

Finally there came a point where everyone had to part ways so we could continue kicking Grado's ass, and now I have to figure out which group of cronies I want to spend the next few months with.

Oy... Well Eirika's cute, but she's just taking a safe passage to Jehanna, so it's gonna be pretty boring. On the other hand, do I really wanna put up with more of this stressful war stuff by heading to Grado with Ephraim? I'll probably get paid more since I'm actually doing things, but money ain't gonna fix the PTSD. Being able to relax will be nice... but having money will too. Shit, I can't decide. There's only one way to settle this: I'm gonna ask the crew what I should do! I'll just get a piece of paper and...

Done! Now to sit back and relax as everyone does the work for me~

*two hours later*

Alright, let's see what I've got here.

Looks like I'm playing beach volleyball with Eirika at a Jehanna oasis!

Alright, let's see what the others have to say.

Wait, what...?

Yeah man. What the fuck?

WHAT!? So lemme get this straight. Eirika's taking a fine little stroll to Jehanna, Ephraim's heading straight to the Grado capital, and we're the ones who need the extra help?

Are you saying I'm not good enough, Ephraim? Huh!?

Well fuck you! I'm glad I didn't go with you now!

Oh wait, that's right, I'm new to this job.

Our next destination is Port Kiris, but first...

Let's get you a better tome, shall we~?


FUCK. So I'm stuck with this shitty ass "cut health in half" tome until I find a better tome!?

Well, whatever. What else can I do before we head out?

I've got no promotion items...

Fuck it, who needs preparation anyway? LET'S DO THIS!

As we leave, Tana walks up to Eirika and says she wants to help out.

Uh. Weren't you already fighting alongside us? Please tell me she doesn't have memory issues...

Anything, huh? Bow chicka wow wow~

We reach Port Kiris and...

This fella shows up.

That face... I'm gonna vom.

aw shit

Jesus. They came out fast. Also that guy suddenly got a horse.

Still. The enemies have pretty lackluster inventory. The only real threat should be this guy.

Steel bows allow the user to attack twice as often, and it's got 2-3 range.

Huh? Why are his stats so low...?

Even this run of the mill mercenary is way more threatening in comparison!

Aside from smashing the boss's face pretty, I need to get to these houses before the pirates have their way with the village maidens. Eww.

Let's check the enemies for worthwhile stuff to nab.

Hello hello. What's this? Looks like something Enigmatic Pirate Man could use~<3

I'll just take that off your hands, buddy.

Aaaand since Gilliam's inventory is full, that goes straight to the supply depot, which is controlled by...

You guessed it! Enigmatic Pirate Man! Sheesh, who knew he could fit all of our weapons and items in his own ass. Enigmatic Pirate Man holds many secrets.


Actually, nevermind. We'll wait til later to promote him.

His power can grow further...

Ponytail Queen and Thousand Arrow Death join forces to defeat Generic Shitty Soldier.

Wait a sec. Where did you come from? Looks like we've got a new member on the team!

Did I say new member? I meant waste of our fucking time.

Turn 1 ending placements.

Kyle takes a poke to the chest. Soldier takes a screen shake to the face.

SHIT! I forgot Iron Swords attack twice!

Ephraim's on the other side of the continent, buddy. Sorry.

Christ, this is going poorly.

At least Gill is doing his job properly.

Noted for the future. Watch out for Iron Swords and Steel Bows. After we wipe these thugs out, we take defensive positioning.

Speaking of Steel Bows though, Front Line Fodder should be able to bait out Sniper Joe over there. Let's hope the plan works and Front Line Fodder doesn't become. Well. Front Line Fodder.

Well of course you didn't do damage Mister Mercenary. Your sword went under his armpit.

This guy hits Tana four times, bringing her down to half health despite his pathetic damage per hit. Jesus.

Gilliam takes a hit from an archer. What's more annoying than the damage is knowing I have to watch the poison damage animation on another unit for the next few turns.

YUS! Sniper Joe took the bait!

More reinforcements arrive. So long as I'm careful and get that last village, everything should be fine and dandy for the rest of the fight.

Waaaaiit. Pirate Man's attack left Sniper Joe at 1 HP. Eclipse tome effect damage rounds up, which means...


We finish cleaning up another wave of enemies.

*Stares at village* Sooooooon. *Ends turn*

He basically got none of the stats I was hoping for.

The myrmidon guarding the village dropped a killing edge. Don't we already have, like, two more of these and barely any sword fighters to use them? And I checked earlier, they only sell for 32 gold in the market! Iron Swords are way better anyway.

For this turn, we basically just cleaned up enemies. I tried to get a few to 1 HP so Tana could finish them off. No avail.

Suddenly, a bunch of soldiers show up. Amelia's apparently with them, but appears to be taking a nap on the job.

Nah, it's actually Kreepy Klan Kid, with his pathetic stats. Luckily, Ewan can recruit him. I guess it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot.

Finally Gilliam visits the village and retrieves a shield! Hm... I wonder who I should give that to.

Meanwhile, I managed to get yet another guy down to 1 HP to secure Tana a rather kinky level up~

Please have Nosferatu.

Fuck. Well while I'm here, might as well get a few things. 1 Thunder, 1 Shine (Infinite use and low price!), 2 Vulneraries, and a Torch.

We're getting charged by quite a few dudes. Of course, Kreepy Klan Kid stays in place. Call it intuition, but I have a feeling that he might leave in a few turns if we don't recruit him soon!

Hoo boy... What do we do about this? I shall name the enemy formation the assembly line of doom.

Well firstly, Pirate man, you go here. This'll block the other guys from overwhelming us because your abs are too rock hard to penetrate.

Wipe out a few dudes here... a couple there, and... There we go! My defensive units are up in front, and the rest are behind, only able to be attacked once.

Wait. Oh shit. Hayden's in trouble!


NOOOO!!! (You had super high defense growth!!!)

This is getting really bad.

Okay. For real this time, I should be safe.

Oh. You didn't know? Pirate Man is immune to heat.

Okay. It seems the rush has for real dwindled down and we're officially safe. SO LONG AS I DON'T MESS UP AGAIN.

What this...?

Oooh! Looks handy!


So now I gotta bait this guy out without murdering the shit out of him with an unwanted counterattack.

That oughta do it. Gilliam has the Armorslayer equipped, which slows him down enough that he won't kill Kreepy Klan Kid. That is, assuming he doesn't land a critical hit. I also noticed that Kreepy Klan Kid doubles him, but doesn't have enough speed to do it normally. Hm...

Someday you will be not complete shit.

Kreepy Klan Kid attacked twice in a row before Gilliam counter attacked. Just as I thought! The Swordslayer has a brave effect. Wow. So it reverses weapon triangle, is effective against mercenaries and myrmidons, has good stats, AND has a brave effect! That shit crae.

Ewan! Show him the power of diplomacy!

Aaaaand his growths suck ass. I'm getting seriously tired of seeing every unit have at least one 5% growth in a very important stat.

None of the other enemies charge so this is the time where I will be skipping over footage. I'll show off any Tana level ups along the way.

Oh. And this.

Oh. A weapon that no one in my party can use. Great.

Several level ups later, we finally reach Picasso face.

It is however, enough for plastic surgery, sir.

And so with the help of Vanessa, we get trash head down to 1 HP.



And thus the world was rid of yet another horrendous looking face. That takes care of that band of mercenaries. The princess is safe. Now to relax and--


OH COME ON! Can't we just go to Jehanna already! I want my beach bikini party!

And that... that thing doesn't show off any of your body. Please tell me you're not wearing that to Jehanna, Princess.

Welp. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, they say.