Lair Of The Fooker Community Plays Fire Emblem 8 Randomized!

Chapter 8: The New Guy

Criminy. How did I get myself into this mess? One second I'm the laundry guy for some princess on the run, and the next I'm the tactician for her army! Just. What the fuck happened?

Okay wait. Lemme just take a moment to recollect my thoughts.

If I remember right, we were right in front of a castle, guarded by a guy who apparently was really thirsty...

... And then some little pipsqueak set him on fire while everyone else celebrated. Then, as our group of crazy soldiers danced around the bonfire, our tactician ran off screaming "IT'S HOPELESS! RENVALL IS IMPENETRABLE! Oh and I'm bored."

And now I'm the new tactician because they couldn't find a replacement. Also because I'm the best at chinese checkers.

Fuck my life.

Seriously, ever since I joined this group of fucktards, not one good thing has happened to me. Well I suppose the huge raise I got alongside the new promotion was nice, but still. Maybe I should just do what that last guy did and get the hell out of--

"Excuse me. Marc, was it?"

Huh...? Who was that?

Oh my god. It's that gorgeous shaman girl! Quick Marc! Say something!

"Uh... Yeah. That's me. Something wrong?"

"I'm afraid so. Pardon my rudeness, but I overheard you speaking to yourself. Do you truly plan on resigning?"

Aw man... That face. So she was counting on me to carry the team? I never realized!

"I'm just nervous, that's all."

Her shoulders relax.

"I can see that. It must be hard to be the army strategist. Especially one hired so... impromptu."

Oh my god, not once have I ever gotten her attention, and now she's noticing me! Maybe if I impress her, I'll finally be able to... Yes. I can see it now. Us laying together under the moonlight, clothes scattered across the floor, dim candles illuminating our lovely bedroom. Slowly I undo her bra and gently caress her supple, juicy---

"YES! IT IS REALLY HARD!"

"O-oh dear, did I upset you?"

Oops.

"A-ah no no, of course not. I uh... I'm just very stressed. But uh. Don't worry. I'll be fine. For your sake, I'll do my best."

She gives me a warm smile.

"Okay! Please take care then!"

And then she leaves.

...Let's fuckin' do this.

I guess it's time to look at our little crew.

Jesus christ, Enigmatic Pirate Man is packing some serious heat! Perhaps too much heat. I should probably let the scrubs get some kills so they can grow big and strong like him!

Front Line Fodder's got good defense. Prolly gonna put him on - you guessed it - the front line.

Jesus. Shitfaced Brat has a lot to boast about despite being shitfaced. He can afford to fall behind a little bit.

Uooo~ That juicy ponytail. Too bad she sucks ass. But hey, we've got a whole legion of enemies for her to practice on, right~?

*siiiiigh* Beautiful and powerful, huh? I totally won't be giving you needless amounts of favoritism. Totally.

Fuck you President Jeff. Your stats are way too good.

Thousand-mile Stare Leila is staring into my soul way too much. Therefore, it is strategically logical to not use her much.

You're an archer, huh? Guess you'll be softening up the enemies so Tana can have their way with them~

Too good.

Okay. So let's assess the current situation.

Our best route is to the north since it doesn't take a fucking year to get to the throne. Wait... what's that? Hmmm. My uh... intuition is telling me there will be thieves nabbing the chests as well. More excuse to use the northern path. But what of the enemies we'll be facing, hm? Let's take a gander.

This is our opposition? Pssh! Those stats are garbage! And here I thought this job would be tough! We'll wipe the floor with these losers no problem!

Let's see what useful stuff we have in storage...

Huh? How did this ring get into our inventory...? Hm... Wait, this could be useful. If I use it to propose to Tana, I'll be curbstomping the enemies while having a wife! It's the perfect plan!

Anyway, let's begin.

So here's my plan for taking over Renvall: Use Tana as much as possible, rush north, murder the thieves, take the chests, break the windows, and drain their water supply. That last one might be tough

Tana heads up to attack this guy and... Wait, what? 12 damage? I swore I did the numbers right. Tana has 10 magic, and is using a 6 might tome. The enemy only has 2 resistance so that should be 14 damage. She's also not doubling! What gi-... Wait a second. I think I know what's going on!

Let's weaken him with someone else first, and then...

FUCK! It's just as I thought! Tana's Evil Eye has an eclipse effect on it. This tome will always deal half the enemy's current health! God dammit! One of Tana's colleagues must have tampered with her books as a prank. Probably that little shit Ewan...

Nonetheless, I'm still going to try my damndest to train her. Ahhh, her hair~ So long~ So flowy~

Wow. That's really nice defense. Hmm... Perhaps she could just crush the enemies herself? Well let's not chance it and instead create a wall of defensive units.

Turn 1 placements. Let's see how not badly we get wrecked.

WHOA WHAT!?

AND I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN SOMEONE KILLED! ON TURN 1! I hope Tana didn't see that

Starting over and redoing my moves, but with less "getting gilliam killed" (He is a "safe" unit)

That oughtta do it

Phew. She survived the dog pile.

After the turn ends, we see more allies coming from the bottom left! YUS.

First up is Lance Chick... Jeez, why am I even bothering to train up units when we already have other, waaaay better units? ;-;

And this guy/woman/transvestite/helicopter even has a bolting spell in his inventory! (Not shown)

And Myrmidame over here is... that's not even fair.

I start moving them out to the north so they can reunite with the main team at the top. This is the only enemy that gets attacked during that time.

Anyway, back over to the main team. Now that Tana's soaked up the hits, time for you guys to clean up!

Delicious~

Nutritious~

Propitious~

Something else that rhymes~

Hah! Wiped out most of the starting forces. Up north is an easy choke point, blocked by a single knight. Gilliam. Will you do the honors?

God dammit Gilliam! Your performance does not match your resume!

Meanwhile, a Myrmidon jumps Enigmatic Pirate man and... Wow. Pirate man is so strong he doesn't even give a fuck when someone tries to slice him in half. He's the true embodiment of ambivalence.

Meanwhile, with the OP Brigade (TM), more destruction on enemy phase.

Okay guys. Listen up. This knight here has a door key. ROB HIM OF IT AND HIS LIFE!!

Tana and Lute weaken him. Vanessa finishes the deed.

... Oh shit. Since Vanessa got the kill, she received the key, but I want to open the northern door this turn. Uh. Okay. Anyone up for a game of Hot potato!? (I'm going to trade the item to multiple characters until it reaches the door)

#savedit

Open sesame!

Oh and uh... I guess murder this guy, Marisa. (Toxin Lance grants +5 defense I realized)

Meanwhile, in Shitwreck, USA.

That is some nonsense right thar.

Hey! Sethina! Mind speeding up a little bit so you can double a basic fucking soldier?

Ending placements. Time for enemy phase.

The knights start coming to Front Line Fodder, but it not a problem~

I'll give you credit, Sethina. You may not be fast, at least you can dance.

The shaman from the other side approaches and... attacks from 3 spaces away? What? So Flux has 2-3 range then. That means that when Tana gets one... *maniacal laughter*

Meanwhile, OP Squad is still pickin' some easy pickin's

Business as usual for Shitfaced Brat.

Tana went into this corner so that she'll get attacked by two knights. Gotta do all I can to get Tana those level ups, and counter attacking is my best bet.

Sloooowly but surely.

Damn! Myrmidon chick took a chunky hit from that knight, and some horsemen came from the rear! We'll worry about that in a second. We've got knights to mop up!

HOLY FUCK! Chill out, Pirate Man! (Iron Axe is effective against knights)

Tana and Thousand-Mile Stare both have Evil Eye. I'm guessing Tana's evil eye is the "sexy evil" kind of look, while the latter is the "stare into your soul" kind. Either way, they both can't kill nor deal much damage after a few hits, but fuck man, what else am I supposed to do to give them EXP?

Had to get my waifu out of the way... Looks like Vanessa's gonna be taking two steel lances to the gut. Speaking of gut, Gilliam shoves Tana inside his horses's gut, and brings her to safety. Yum.

OP Brigade! I know you're OP and stuff, but run as fast as you can!

Luckily we brought an X-ray, so we can see Tana within the horse's belly.

Two lances to the chest and Vanessa is still standing. She's proving to be more than meets the eye! (Steel bows are 2-3 range and have brave effect)

An archer approaches from the north and... WHOA! Didn't know bows could reach so far! Thankfully it didn't hurt Vanessa much.

(It's a longbow. Longbows have an unknown amount of range and have poison effect.)

This is all that happens on OP Brigade's end. More running.

Vanessa, please take care of that long bow fuck before he becomes a problem. K thx.

If only your strength growth wasn't 5%... Also holy shit, you got strength.

AND IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T ABOUT TO DIE. SHIT. I NEED TO RESCUE HER SO THE POISON DOESN'T KILL HER NEXT TURN!

BUT NOBODY CAN RESCUE HER UNLESS IT'S GILLIAM! AND GILLIAM already fed his horse HAS TANA!

(Yes, rescuing a unit prevents poison damage. It also however prevents the status timer from lowering.)

Well. Here's to hoping she survives...

Gilliam reaches into his horse to take Tana's chest key from her, and...

.. we open the nearby chest. Wow. What a kick in the nuts that is. I could've used that to heal Vanessa's current HP

Meanwhile, by the OP brigade, we head up north, a shaman approaches Amelia and... God dammit! More effectiveness tomes! Amelia can't combat this guy and the other two enemies, so we'll need to use the other two blokes somehow.

It seems Vanessa's poison is kicking in... Well Vanessa... It's been fun.

OH SNAP SHE LIVED!!

Well shit. Let's drop an elixir on her IMMEDIATELY! (The rest of the team merely progresses forward)

I have to take care of the shaman, who does effective damage on Amelia, the long bow archer who has super range and poison, and a knight (up off screen). How am I gonna deal with this?

I guess for Amelia: heal up and stay out of Horse Exploder's range.

As for you Sethina, tenderize 'im with your bolting! I only need one more hit and Amelia can resume fucking shit up.

The cavaliers are approaching from behind. If they sandwich me in between the shaman and longbow man, this might end poorly.

On this enemy phase, mages show up at the north. Followed by...

A THIEF! YES! I KNEW IT! I'M A PROPHET!

But alas, my self gradulation is short lived! The OP Squad is out of healing items! Only Amelia and Sethina can can attack the bowman, and only one can attack the Horse Exploder, Sethina's poisoned too... This is gonna be a gamble but, Sethina! Use bolting a second time!

WHAT! THE BOLTING HAS A REVERSE EFFECT!? THAT'S BULLSHIT!!!

And she leveled up. By hurting herself...

No wonder why the emo swordsmen are always the strongest.

I had Amelia walk up to Sethina so she can move her thunder tome to the equipped slot. This way, Sethina isn't weighed down so bad. Afterwards, Amelia moves outside of the Shaman's range and cock blocks the cavaliers from maiming Myrmidame.

Here goes nothing...

I move Marisa into this thief's range, hoping to bait him out to steal her vulnerary.

Now for the bowman...

FFFUCK. SETHINA'S POISONED AND AT LOW HEALTH.

At least part of the plan worked! The thief took the bait!

And then with one final breath, Sethina succumbs to her illness and passes on... You were ass anyway.

Well, since the thief is in the range of all my units, I can kill him and no longer have to worry about chests being plundered. Might as well slowly pick off the cavalier reinforcements.

Good.

Sorry thief, but if you want to stab Tana's heart, you have to get through her impenetrable breasts first! #boobsofsteel

No chests for you! No survival for you either for that matter.

Fuck you Front Line Fodder.

From here, it's just cleaning up the enemies that just sit around until you get in their range. I'm gonna be skipping stuff more often.

Not pictured here, but Myrmidame managed to dodge that longbow guy who ended Sethina. If it had hit, she probably would have joined her.

Between the not so OP squad and the main team, the OP squad is having much more trouble, mainly cause of their lesser numbers and that blasted shaman!

Luckily Myrmidame dodged another longbow shot, and Lance Chick cleaned up the remaining cavaliers. So long as I kill the super ranged archer near the shaman, I can sit back and relax over here.

Shit. Another longbow douche. Where did you come from!?

At least the previous one's taken care of.

Aaaand now both of them are gone! That second one was a bit of an anti climax.

Most of the enemies are taken care of. Tana! Fight the boss! He doesn't have 1 range! For now at least. He has a short bow that he can switch to, but we're not gonna let him do that.

Climb inside the horse! You'll be going in and out of this horse a lot for my strat. Sry.

Ahh. The old rescue-take-drop trick. Rendering bosses ineffective since Thracia 776.

FINALLY the Horse Exploder is dead. Amelia is ready to bring ruin and death upon our enemies once more!

So wait. How am I gonna upon this chest room?

...

I have no door keys.

This whole time I could have, and should have, kept the OP squad behind. But no. Instead I got Sethina killed and accomplished jack shit. Way to go Marc. Tana will love you so much after this.

And y'know what else? I could have kept that thief from earlier alive so he could open the chests FOR me! AAAAAAGH!!!

Well. Whatever. The past is the past. Let's see how Tana's doing against our hapless villain.

Got 'im! Now let's rinse and repeat this strategy until he's super low on health.

*Several turns of throne healing and misses later*

Fuck it. We're just gonna dog pile him.

I got one of two hits in.

Fuck me, Tana

Almost there...

Fuck. again

One more...

That seems pretty reliable. PRESIDENT JEFF! IMPEACH THIS MOTHAFUCKA!!!

AND WE ARE DONE.

I dunno. Judging by the cutscenes that I didn't show you both seem pretty ruthless. You're just more polite about it.

I'll take it.

I just realized there's one more soldier down at the southern side of the castle. All alone...

What will he do after this horrific event? Will he suffer PTSD and be sent home? Will he change his ways of killing for money and instead walk a path of righteousness?

We shall never know... Meanwhile, Pirate man takes the throne. His rightful place. Renvall is conquered. The princess meets her love interest brother.

During their reunion, we see... SETHINA!? You're alive! But how? ... Oh! I get it! You were playing dead. Nice one, really had me convinced! Now if only you could play dress up just as well...

Phew! What a bunch of hard work.

Still pays better than doing laundry.

Thank you for watching this episode of Lair Of the Fooker plays FE8 Randomized! Will more places be conquered? Will Sethina reveal the secrets of life and death? Will Marc finally win over the heart of the lovely Tana!? Tune in next time!