Marc's Precious: Episode 1 Prelude: The Beginning of Something
See? This is the correct ROM! It's confirmed.
I know you'd all be mad if I didn't take this option. Granted, I'm going to be mad at myself later on for taking it, I'm sure. But you all know about me and peer pressure.
Yes, this is the sort of hack this is going to be. Very meta, and with nice CGs!
Also, this is from the perspective of Markyjoe's older brother, Evil Eggo Waffle.
N: He was playing my favorite Ragefest submission, Marc's Precious.
N: Did you see a dick stickin' out of Soda Popinski's pants? I didn't.
If you didn't read the summary spoiler up there, there's the hack's summary of it! Granted, mine is obviously better, but I think this one has more FEELING.
Also... Nude Punch Out? Really?
Wait... that's right, this hack came with an in-jokes document! If you ever see another spoiler within this spoiler, odds are, it's an explanation of an in-joke!
Nude Punch Out - A Mike Tyson's Punch Out ROM hack created by ExDeath in 1997. EvilEggoWaffle and I streamed it, and noted the lack of nudity on Soda Popinski and other fighters.
N: We never get to see what Mark's Precious is! Justice must be served, with a waffle as the entrꥡ But a waffle can't do it alone, he needs an oven, preheated to nineteen ninety!
Don't worry, it's not Marc's Precious getting revenge! ...Probably. I haven't finished it yet. It's us! Getting revenge on FDRstar!
And here's our main character! Markyjoe/Marc! Now, this uses a custom portrait, made and updated throughout the Ragefests, that looks sort of similar to Markyjoe IRL. Since Evil Eggo Waffle, hereon referred to as EEW, is a character in this hack, maybe we'll get to see a portrait that looks like him, too!
Oh, so that's how it is.
I mean, I know Markyjoe's videos always gave off the impression of an interesting family dynamic... but I mean... I didn't know...
Mark: Oh. Y'know. The usual.
EEW: Were you just saying "prog rock" in the mirror over and over again?
Mark: Yeah. Y'know. The usual.
Prog Rock - Progressive rock. A genre of rock music most prominent in the late 60's, early 70's. Extremely complex and experimental. I'm obsessed with it. EvilEggoWaffle makes fun of it.
Mark: Was that all you wanted to ask?
EEW: NO! LISTEN! Did you see this FUCKING video on Youtube?
EEW: This FUCKER has wronged us!
*checks in-jokes folder*
Uhh... I got nothing.
Mark: How does that work? Mind clarifying?
EEW: You know what I meant!
Mark: Uh. okay. No, I'd rather NOT be carried across the border, thank you.
EEW: Fuck you, dick-licker. What I mean is, are we just gonna sit here, mad? Or are we gonna DO something about this?
Mark: I'm pretty sure you're the only one who cares about such dumb s-
EEW: Look into your soul, man! You can't tell me you aren't mad!
Mark: The damage is already done.
Nonsense! If you don't know what the real Marc's Precious is, then you can just make up what it is and tell yourself it's that!
EEW: And close the door while you're at it.
So that's "Enderthlicer", or Dylan, the youngest of the three brothers, I think. Markyjoe is the middle sibling, and also clearly the most successful, since he has a youtube channel.
EEW: On the contrary, Mark. There IS something we can do.
Mark: Wait. WHAT?
EEW: They'll be here on the morrow. All we need is you. Are you in?
So, we're about to begin our standard FE gameplay! Now, just so you're prepared, the world of this hack is one that both has youtube, youtube videos, Nude Punch Out, and Progressive Rock, while simultaneously having the primary form of warfare be warriors armed with medieval weapons attacking each other in feudal-style castles over Precious disputes.
Marc: Oh fuck.
Mom(offscreen): Marc! Hang out with your brother!
As someone who also has little brothers... I FEEL YOUR PAIN, MARKYJOE.
And we're here! We've got a big and beautiful team of 6, ready to beat up anyone and everyone in our path!
So for units, we've got our three brothers from the Markyjoe clan... who else?
EEW: Guy. How fairs your bow arm?
Oh, guy! Remember? He showed up back in Super Hard Lyn Mode? Speaking of which, these LPs are being mirrored over on Markyjoe's website, by the way. They look quite nice over there.
EEW: Good enough! And what of you, Yossy? I hope your battle prowess is as scary as your level design skills.
My in-jokes file better have something here... *checks*
Yeah, it does. I think I'l wait until their stat screens to show it, though.
EEW: I'll take that as a yes!
EEW: I suck at Fire Emblem.
I think EEW barely even plays Fire Emblem. Did EEW help with the hack's writing? No, he probably had a hard time typing with those skinny waffle arms...
Marc: Once we defeat the enemy leader, the rest should surrender.
You know, I was kind of expecting us to negotiate or something. I mean, we're a small group of people wearing blue clothes going up against a large group of people wearing red clothes. Frankly, the red-clothes people should be quaking in their boots if they know anything about Fire Emblem.
Dufur: I got your letter, but. where's that e-mail I was promised?
EEW(offscreen): Do you hear something, Marc?
Marc(offscreen): No? Let's go!
I'll talk about him in a moment. But for now, it's time to look at the level!
First up, let's look at all our people! We have six units, a fair amount for a hack that seems to be done in the style of Ragefest.
The main man himself! He has a Heal staff, a basic Thunder tome, and a BOLTING of all things! He can't take a lot of hits, but he's good at hitting the enemies hard enough to kill them. Also, apologies for calling it the Markyjoe clan earlier, when it's clearly the Waffle Clan. I'd rate this guy... hmm... third best on the team. He's a good all-rounder with a lot of utility, but he needs to be protected!
I guess even the most Evil of Eggo Waffles can follow their dreams! EEW's gone and become a hero! Unfortunately, the simple fact is that waffles do not make very durable soldiers in war. I'd rate EEW #4in terms of unit good-ness - he can take a hit or two, and his offenses are fine, but his weapons have so low might he can't really take advantage of it. I should probably trade him something better...
Do I need to explain this? It's not even an in-joke. I don't think I need to explain it.
Third and final Waffle Clan sibling, EnderSlicer! This guy is the #1 unit on the team, with incredible offenses, further compounded by his extreme critrate, a good dodge rate and enough HP to take a hit when he needs to... he's just wonderful. MVP.
EnderSlicer's Door Weapon - In several of my YouTube videos, I have told my younger brother, EnderSlicer, to close the door to my room, turning it into a running gag.
So, this thing turns Enderslicer into a super tank! Buuuut only for 5 uses. It's fine to use to tank out 2-range attackers since its durability won't be used, but I need to be wary of using it against any 1-range enemies.
Dufur! Our mandatory healer. I'd rank him #5 in terms of unit goodness. He has magic attacks but too low Atk to get full usage out of them, so he's mostly there for that juicy healing utility. He also can't really take hits - unless they're from magic! His best combat utility is found in tanking out mages, but other than that he should stick to healing.
Dufur - Has a name that's amusing to pronounce. Made a Castlevania III hack that EvilEggoWaffle and I played, then mysteriously disappeared from the internet. We haven't been able to contact him in ages, nor do we know what he would've wanted as his in-game portrait.
For some reason, at the start of Dufur's CV3 hack, EvilEggoWaffle said he won his secret contest, and would get an e-mail from him after the video. He never sent it.
So, wait, hmmm... You could've sent him an e-mail, but never did... and you also lost contact with him entirely? This guy appearing suddenly feels a bit... weird. I feel like we're missing a piece of the story, here.
Is the only reason Dufur's helping us is to bug us about sending the email? Is the only reason Dufur heals us is that we can't send him the e-mail if we're dead? Wait... what if the reason he's accompanying us is because he died IRL, and now he's a ghost, but he can't move on because he has unfinished business... AND THE E-MAIL IS THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS?
Moving on! Here we have Yossy, ranked #6 in terms of unit combat usefulness by me. Their starts are balanced... TOO balanced. It results in them not really being good at anything! They also suffer from the same problem EEW has, in that all their items are iron/steel tier stuff. Compare to Enderslicer, who has a Silver Sword, a Smashir, and the special Door weapon. EEW at least had a dick, but Yossy doesn't even have that! Now, their one major utility is their extra-high mov, which lets them be where I need them when I need them... but they're so "bleh" that they don't get that much done once they're there.
Yossy - A Level designer in the Super Mario World Central/TalkHaus community. Designed several difficult Mario World levels that were played by EvilEggoWaffle.
The final member of our sextuple-sized gang, Guy! I'd rank him #2 as a unit - good offenses, good items, and a surprisingly high RES! He's certainly much better than his Super Hard Lyn Mode incarnation. That longbow lets him attack without getting countered, and the silver bow hits plenty hard to make up for somewhat lacking strength. He's great.
Guy - A real life friend of ours. Not only is that his real name, but he actually is an archer in real life, and helps run an archery.
That's... actually super cool. I guess it makes since that he'd be this good, since he actually has a combat skill.
Ah yes... remember these maps? I still know how to make them just one or two pixels off, just like old times!
Our main enemies this chapter are the GAMFs. We'll be slaughtering them all, of course, but they're more than strong enough to match our motley band of hackers and friends.
GAMF - Stands for Gay Ass Mother Fucker, as you can see in their description. In my second attempt at beating Dracula X for SNES, I accidentally obtained a sub weapon that I didn't want, and yelled "FUCKIN' GAY ASS MOTHER FUCKER" in frustration. EvilEggoWaffle proceeds to analyze and pick apart what a Gay Ass Mother Fucker is, and kept bringing it up throughout the rest of the commentary.
Looking at my in-jokes folder, that's... everything, actually! Looks like we'll be without guidance when trying to understand the rest of the jokes in this hack.
Take a look at this general here...
He's stronger than the other GAMFs, with a crazy inventory, even having a special weapon! I kind of feel like we're not supposed to get too close... does he move when it's time for us to hurry up or something? That's the only different-looking generic I could find.
Our big bad boss of today, Steve! He has a statbooster, and he looks like he has some dangerous offensive stats... EnderSlicer could probably take him down, though. Throne or no throne! Get ready to lose, Steve! We're coming for you!
NEXT TIME! Bumps in our road to the truth!